Wednesday, September 19, 2007
i feel the need to post today.
firstly, i hope Megan has done well for her practice french oral. i understand why shes so frustrated and wants to be first for french. its especially painful to lose to someone whos a complete prat.
secondly, i had a fight with Audrey yesterday because she and Anne fought again. looking back i realised i shouldnt have interfered with their problems and should have known that they would talk to each other half an hour later anyways.
but you know, me being me, i have very very very little patience [hence constant failure in art] and can lose my temper easily. very easily. though obviously over the years my temper isnt as bad as it used to be. i just realised i havent apologised properly to Kathleen for the incident 3 years ago although we are on speaking terms now. er.. i digress.
concentrating on me having little patience. so obviously i broke. and not like break down crying. that doesnt affect anyone else much except myself. i broke in a violent eruption. emotions, mainly anger, flying everywhere not unlike ash and cinder flying and spreading with long a radius from an acidic ash and cinder coned volcano.
i cant really remember now. its not exactly pleasant. it was after school and we were in the canteen to have our lunch and then proceed to check our english prelim papers. i walked down with Megan as usual and we spotted Bella. so we placed our bags with her and went to buy food separately. after i bought my food i spotted Anne and walked over to her. she looked terribly pissed. so obviously i asked what was wrong and she scoffed saying "Audrey la".
this obviously wasnt the first time this has happened. usually it would go like this. Audrey gets pissed off with something Anne which Anne has no idea of. Anne will proceed by getting pissed with Audrey because Anne can tell Audrey is upset with something but Audrey doesnt want to tell her what it is. by the time Anne gets really pissed, Audrey would have gotten over it and that is when i usually come in. i will always somehow see Anne being upset and Audrey trying to approach her again. usually i would just let them be but this was really one time too many.
Anne was sitting across from me at our table when Audrey came to talk to her. Anne wanting to be alone for a bit leaves Audrey in a huff. i am left to talk to Audrey cuz Anne is gone because Audrey says "whats wrong with her?"
so im all like "cant you tell Anne is frustrated? can you leave her alone for a bit?"
then Audrey gets all angry with me and lashes out at my plastic bag of food while im eating eat.
not that gets me bloody irritated. so im like "what your problem? i dunno whats going on between you and Anne but can you please stop fighting? have you any idea what it like to see my friend fighting almost every other day and i ALWAYS have to just sit there and let you fight it out without doing anything??!"
and Audrey says "shut up its none of your business! fuck off!!"
and i say "ya fine whatever!! i dont care what HELL you do!"
so she rushes off somewhere after Gillian and Yi Ping who came along with her.
and i dont know what happened after that. Anne and Audrey found each other. became friends again and all of a sudden im their unspoken enemy. i'm not saying i didnt feel sorry or that i didnt feel and ounce of guilt by shouting at Audrey. damnit i actually went to talk about it to Amanda and bloody CRIED. i dont even remember crying over friends. when Rebecca Lee Su Fen suddenly ignored me and started rolling her eyes at me in Sec2 i didnt even have a single tear drop in my eye. even after trying to find out whats wrong and what i did to no avail, no tears.
suddenly im thrown into the open without the friends ive been going out with for the past 3 years. im such a sad sob arent i? i can go ahead and blame it all on stress to complete my art and unspoken unhappiness at my disappointing grades but seriously, it wont do anything to help me.
third thing. unavoidably related to the second. i have apologised to Anne and Audrey this morning. made truce with them. they even shook my hand in agreement. but you know what? they dont mean it. they have treated my apology as shit. how difficult it is for me to get off my insanely high horse, eat humble pie to finally say sorry. and rewards for my effort? diverted glares, pretending to not hear me, blatant ignoring of my existence.
to add to that, they didnt come back to class after chinese like they usually do to either stay in class or ask if i want to go down to the canteen. no joking no lengthy conversations and huge gaps physically when we "talk". i say something but they ignnore it. they talk to aunty gang and act cool gang. and all the while Megan is stand behind me observing knowing how much of a pathetic fool i am and how retarded and desperate im making myself out to be. im glad and extremely thankful that she knows well enough not to say anything, choosing to keep quiet and letting me preserve whatever pride i have left.
Anne hasnt replied my sorry sms. she's purposely ignoring it. i know because she usually replies my smses. Audrey replied me by mistake. apparently she has some other problem. apologising profusely although how insincere it may seem because its through sms and not face to face i still get no replies. Audrey says "if youre asking if a hate you then no" my reply: im also asking if we can be friends again. how silly of me to expect an answer.
seriously? i should be given the award for most failed friendships. because they are in such abundance, i tend to cherish my friendships. stupid deadly sin such as anger will make me loose more. this is not the first time im contemplating not making friends anymore. ive realised, also more than once, that im not exactly built for it.
THIS IS FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF A DESPERATE AND PATHETIC FREAK I AM.
Posted by Ce at 8:31 pm